I remember being very small and having energy that presented as symbols and numbers that would spiral dance for me as I fell asleep, taking me with them and out of my body. I loved playing in nature, knowing everything was alive and had a voice. Once I disappeared into the woods and caused great concern for the adults. It was very confusing when my dear Uncle scolded me for playing outside in the wind, declaring a tree limb could break and hurt me. Didn’t he know the wind and trees were my friends and would never harm me?
Then there was the kitten incident, around age 3 a momma cat had babies under the house. My new mission in life was to love those kittens, play with them, they just had to know I didn’t want to hurt them. Maybe they were just shy, I was shy not wanting people to see me or talk to me. Except my family, I loved my family. So one night during a thunderstorm I was playing in my bed with the thunder and lightning, making it thunder, so I imagined. I decided to make the storm really scary and maybe the kittens would be frightened enough to come out and I would be there to protect them and keep them safe. The next morning the kittens were gone! What happened? When I asked, an adult told me the lightning had killed them. I was really confused, had the thunder and lightning not understood I only wanted to frighten them out of hiding, so we could play and they would know I loved them. But instead I had killed them!
It feels like there were a few other incidents, that I don’t have memory of now, but I have recalled the defining moment. I stood behind the table we cut watermelons on and made a decision, ‘I had to stop’ nobody was safe, my family didn’t understand and I didn’t want them to stop loving me. So it was like I took a final gulp of air that made me sick to my stomach, promising one day it would be okay to open up again. Maybe a year or so later sitting on the swing set at dusk I said a prayer and made what I called a ‘mark’ to remember the magic because I realized I was beginning to forget. And then life went on, there was a new baby sister we moved and got a new house. My mom enrolled me in school and a whole new world was upon me.
The final encounter of early childhood happened here and that’s where I fully merged into my parents fear. My family was visiting friends and I was playing outside, maybe I was feeling a little homesick for the magic, and I wished for it. Then it was time to go home, on the way a huge gaseous orange sphere appeared in the sky. My father immediately saw it, I got super excited, he got super alarmed. Closer and closer it came, it was beautiful! It was coming right for us, my dad panicked and stopped the car. At that moment another choice, who was I? This was my family. I looked at my parents and sister all frightened, inside I knew it was time to fully be like them. When I looked at the sphere again there was a frightening face and roar. My father returned to the neighbors house and we all watched it drift out of sight. Upon returning home and looking out a back window it appeared once more, I ran to bed and covered my head, praying for it to go away.
And it did, for a long time.
In meditation I worked with that little girl last night, letting her know it was safe now. She had done really well at keeping her promise to stop (being the magic), but it was okay, she could breathe and be her natural self again. Then I realized all of them my mom, dad, aunt & uncle were gone now, all transitioned. It felt like they joined us too in this place outside of time. My family hugged us, told us they loved us and thanked us. Now from their perspective they could understand so much more and would be the support they had not been capable of being then. Tears of Gratitude Flowed
All is never lost we are all eternal beings and time is just an illusion. If you have lost contact with your magical child, go get her back!